As of 3 pm this afternoon, local man, Nick Boynton, age 22, is surprisingly still single, despite the past four grueling months spent messaging every female gamer he sees while playing on Microsoft’s Xbox Live service.
For the average single person, their single status can be easily explained by a number of reasons. None of these reasons seem to apply to Boynton, However. For instance, perhaps an average single person just got out of a long relationship. Boynton, on the other hand, hasn’t been in a relationship since 6th grade, where he frequently held hands with a girl in his band class “enough to count it.” An average person may purposely stay single in order to maintain multiple sexual partners. Boynton, quite conversely, hasn’t had an intimate partner since his dog was in heat and humped his leg “enough to count it.” Lastly, an average person may be single purely for lack of effort. This is very much not the case for Boynton who has spent every waking hour of every day for four months straight messaging every perceived female he’s discovered on popular games such as Call of Duty or Halo.
Sauce Time reached out to Boynton for a comment and were only successful after messaging him on Xbox Live under the username “SexyKatie.” After breaking the news that we were actually a news website hoping for more information on his epidemic, we were able to get a bit more information from him.
“I’ve tried everything,” Boynton told us. “Everything from ‘hi there:)’ to ‘I SWEAR TO GOD BITCH IF YOU DONT SEND ME NAKED PICS I WILL FIND WHERE YOU LIVE AND KILL YOUR FUCKING DOG.'” Boynton continued. “Nothing. Most of the time they don’t even answer. I don’t understand. Is it me? is it because my gamertag is KevinBaconsChode? What could it be?”
While we at Sauce Time didn’t have an answer for what is causing Boynton’s female drought, we did wish him the best of luck. And, we assured him that eventually he’ll find the “KyraSedgwicksVagina” that’s out there waiting for him a Call of Duty lobby.