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Month: April 2019

Posted onApril 24, 2019April 24, 2019

Paris Uses Donations to Build Hooters in Spot Opened Up by Notre Dame’s Destruction

The famous Notre Dame de Paris, which was destroyed on April 15th, 2019 in a fire which burned for 15 hours, quickly amassed over a…

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Posted onApril 22, 2019April 23, 2019

Local Man Surprisingly Still Single After Months of Messaging Girls on Xbox Live

As of 3 pm this afternoon, local man, Nick Boynton, age 22, is surprisingly still single, despite the past four grueling months spent messaging every…

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Posted onApril 15, 2019August 3, 2019

9/11 Study Shows Windmills May Have Blown Planes Off Course And Into Twin Towers

It’s a bad month for Windmills. On top of President Donald Trump’s claim that the clean energy leader is causing people cancer, new data has…

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Posted onApril 11, 2019April 11, 2019

Marvel Confirms Next Avengers Movie Will Have 36 Hour Run Time With No Intermission

Earlier today, Marvel Cinematic Universe Executive Producer, Kevin Feige, released a statement announcing that the next Avengers title after 2019’s “Endgame” will feature a 36…

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Posted onApril 10, 2019April 10, 2019

Despite Being Only 13% of the Population, Asians Do 50% of All Math

Recent world censuses have come back to sadly prove an age-old stereotype. Despite making up only 13% of the population, Asian people do 50% of…

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Posted onApril 8, 2019April 8, 2019

Trump Considers Switch To Metric System After Realizing It Makes His Penis Sound Bigger

Earlier today, President Donald Trump held a press conference at the White House to announce he was considering switching the nation to the metric system.…

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Posted onApril 6, 2019April 6, 2019

Local Man Will Enjoy Your Boobs No Matter How Self-Conscious You Are

Local man, Nick Boynton, age 22, is something of a national hero. No matter how self-conscious you are about your boobs, whether you think they…

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Posted onApril 5, 2019April 5, 2019

Scientists Still Searching For Socially Acceptable Use For Facebook’s “Wave” Feature

Scientists over at Oak Ridge National Laboratory have been hard at work trying to crack one of the Human Race’s biggest mysteries: what makes Facebook’s…

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Posted onApril 5, 2019April 5, 2019

Lucasfilm Announces That In Addition To Flying, Leia Will Now Have Heat Vision

Lucasfilm President, Kathleen Kennedy, confirmed earlier today during an interview that General Leia Organa-Solo, late Carrie Fisher’s beloved character in the Star Wars universe, will…

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Posted onApril 4, 2019April 5, 2019

PornHub Viewership Drops As Users Are Just Masturbating To Pewdiepie’s Comeback

Popular pornography website, PornHub, released a statement today stating its website traffic has dropped below half its usual numbers. They conducted a quick survey of…

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